Tim Burton’s Alice

It’s actually pretty rare that I see a movie in the theater. I’m just not into paying $15 to sit somewhere that I can’t smoke. Really, that’s my reasoning behind it. Anyway, I promised myself that I would actually go see it in the theater because I was just so damn pumped to see Tim Burton’s Alice.

I have to admit that my excitement greatly dropped after hearing reviews from professionals and friends alike. But still, I thought to myself, “It’s Alice…and Tim Burton…it’s all going to be okay”. And that’s exactly what it was…just okay. It was 109 minutes of absolute eye candy and a storyline that made you want to rip out those eyes. WTF, Burton? I can see where he tried to make it his “own” version, but damn. If you’re going to piss with an already great story, don’t fuck it up, okay?

And what’s up with ruining all of my favorite childhood characters? First Willy Wonka, now The Mad Hatter, this has simply gone too far. What’s next? Will Depp be playing Gobo in the rumored Fraggle Rock movie? Will he be Misfit, Eric Raymond in some rehashed version of Jem? That’s enough. Just…stop. It’s getting painful for everyone.

I really do approve of Burton going for a lesser-known actress for the lead role of Alice. Mia Wasikowska is simply marvelous in her first starring role. She’s been in this and that and here and there, but nowhere anyone would know. She IS Burton’s Alice. Gaunt and melancholy…she’s a real life version of Sally. Helena Bonham-Carter also makes a great Queen. She ends up being somewhat of a combination of the Red Queen and the Queen of Hearts. Mad and ruthless are two of Bonham-Carter’s strong points, so why the hell not? One bonus of this movie: Anne Hathaway is SUPER HOT! When the hell did that happen?! Are you sure this is the same chick from The Princess Diaries? I think you’re lying. She pulls off the gaunt look well, playing the delightfully eccentric White Queen. And finally, Alan Rickman. How I love Alan Rickman. He IS Absolum, the Catapillar. Just like he IS Metatron. Just like he IS Severus Snape. Just like he IS Marvin the Paranoid Android. This is what makes Alan Rickman such a fucking badass. Everything he does is simply fantastic. After his role as Judge Turpin in Sweeney Todd, I was really hoping that he’d do more work with Burton and at least I got that wish.

What the hell is it with Burton? Has he just passed his prime? Has he gotten into a Depp, Bonham-Carter rut? Seriously. I love the shit out of Tim Burton but I’m just finding myself getting less and less thrilled for each movie. I know, people have been saying this for months, years, but I just couldn’t believe it.

Don’t get me wrong, this movie’s not bad, it’s just not nearly as good as it could’ve been. It’s like Baccio Pontelli building the Sistene Chapel out of LEGOs. I mean, we all love LEGOs, but there’s certainly better building materials out there.

This movie was just as great and just as disappointing as I thought it’d be, if that makes any sense. It’s just a shame to see such a great premise go to waste. It still gets a B for my apparently undying love for Tim Burton.


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